I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out
on myself.
-Judy Tenuta
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-Bob Ettinger
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman.
-Bruce Baum
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
-Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash.
-Jerry Seinfeld
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her.
- Ellen DeGeneres
USA Today has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
-David Letterman
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
kill you too."
-Jake Johansen
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You
get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here."
-Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-Lynda Montgomery
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-Paul Rodriguez
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said,
"A truck!"
-Emo Phillips